I finally made it . . .

. . . I made a clean get away. these lyrics from a beautiful and haunting song by Maria Taylor have been a bit of a mantra of mine for a while now. in moments, hours, days when I've wanted to disappear and start anew somewhere else, this song has sat with me. I've been waiting for the day it will be true. it's passed tense "I made a clean get away" yet I've been using it to look forward for months.

for what feels like ages, I've been in a state of not knowing what exactly is coming next, just forming things as I go along, and knowing that I'll find a way to make some or all of it happen. my plans have been perpetually evolving--a creature of my own creation--I've applied a rolling admission policy for life plans/goals/adventures. it is at once romantic and untethered in the "anything's possible" sort of way and crushingly complex. unfortunately, with this approach there is room for the persistently pesky doubt that often accompanies uncertainty, but for the most part, I have managed to resist or delay that negative trap.

it's not as though I'm in a bad place here and now, and the soulful sadness of the song sometimes reminds me of my relative peace and happiness. I enjoy and have been enjoying my present, it's just time to cash in on some of those post-college dreams. I need a change and there is a lot I am looking forward to that only change can bring me.

"all that you touch
you change.
all that you change
changes you.
the only lasting truth
is change."
and here I add--life is change.
-O. Butler

and the song is misleading..."a clean get away", I'm not sure that exists. life is messy. craft center becomes crap pile. cozy turns crass. there is no perfect goodybye. but I'm ok with that.