movement

for too long it has been stagnant. no appreciable change, no breath of fresh air. waiting... waiting... waiting....

and then, a minor miracle happened, we made a decision that only hinged on us--not the bank or the status of our vehicle--we decided the cats could be settled in their new situation: my parent's house in western mass. a minor movement west, car filled with our cats and all their wordy possessions, driving into the sunset was all we needed to break the monotony of limbo. movement. suddenly the greater trip west is all possible, real, present and immanent. driving into the sunset, close, so close, and achievable. as we left our house with the cats we got word on an offer from the bank, one we are willing to accept, especially because it is the offer that is on the table right now. things seem to be falling into place. if our cats can adapt to change and so can we.

preparation

it seems like this whole summer has been spent with an eye towards departure. not that I haven't taken in moments for their own sake, just that imminent travel has been a focusing point. still after all that, the thought I have put into it, the intention with which I have selected things to bring, to leave behind, to give away, I have this feeling that I have been preparing to be unprepared. in many ways I am hoping to be caught off guard, to be surprised by the environments and the people I meet. there is no way I can encompass all potential scenarios, I am preparing for the unknown, the spirit of adventure and with the confidence that I can work it out. what is the single most valuable thing I am taking on this trip? the most useful tool? the thing I plan to utilize in all sorts of situations? myself.

I finally made it . . .

. . . I made a clean get away. these lyrics from a beautiful and haunting song by Maria Taylor have been a bit of a mantra of mine for a while now. in moments, hours, days when I've wanted to disappear and start anew somewhere else, this song has sat with me. I've been waiting for the day it will be true. it's passed tense "I made a clean get away" yet I've been using it to look forward for months.

for what feels like ages, I've been in a state of not knowing what exactly is coming next, just forming things as I go along, and knowing that I'll find a way to make some or all of it happen. my plans have been perpetually evolving--a creature of my own creation--I've applied a rolling admission policy for life plans/goals/adventures. it is at once romantic and untethered in the "anything's possible" sort of way and crushingly complex. unfortunately, with this approach there is room for the persistently pesky doubt that often accompanies uncertainty, but for the most part, I have managed to resist or delay that negative trap.

it's not as though I'm in a bad place here and now, and the soulful sadness of the song sometimes reminds me of my relative peace and happiness. I enjoy and have been enjoying my present, it's just time to cash in on some of those post-college dreams. I need a change and there is a lot I am looking forward to that only change can bring me.

"all that you touch
you change.
all that you change
changes you.
the only lasting truth
is change."
and here I add--life is change.
-O. Butler

and the song is misleading..."a clean get away", I'm not sure that exists. life is messy. craft center becomes crap pile. cozy turns crass. there is no perfect goodybye. but I'm ok with that.

putting down roots

this is the story of a garden that was never meant to be.
once upon a time there was a young woman who wanted to tend, nurture and grow. plants. to cox seedlings into greens and to draw vegetables out of flowering buds. to brush fragrant herbs with her fingers and then catch the smell lingering there hours after. to get dirt under her fingernails. to feel the gleeful moment at which weeds lose in the tug of war between their roots buried in the dirt and gently pinching, pulling fingers.

and so, as she moved into her first apartment she was drawn to the unkempt raised bed between the walkway and the driveway. a few daffodils peaked up through the weeds, suggesting that it had been at one time something more. and she walked by that bed of weeds for weeks. moving in, settling other parts of the house, until at last one day before even walking in from work she bent over and pulled out a big, luscious weed. then she pulled another and another. carefully working her way through the weeds, searching for signs of intentional plantings. in the end, it was all weeds and she ended up with a lovely exposed plot of earth. ripe with potential. she clucked happily to herself, clapped her dusty hands on her jeans and began plotting what to plant...

except that her landlord had other ideas. she was not to have a garden there. he spoke to her sternly about the dangerous nature of planting. how plants were a liability to him. someone could trip. and what if she made a stone path between the plants? no no no...that was far worse and even more dangerous. so, reluctantly, she potted her desires. she got crafty, studied the light patterns in the windows of her house and on the porch. she filled every container and large pot she'd inherited from her grandmother with soil and seeds and soon they were sprouting. cucumbers climbing the clothesline on the porch. cherry tomatoes pouring out of a hanging pot, herbs overtaking windowsills. and for a while she was happy. although, the cherry tomatoes kept drying out, the cucumber plant became sickly and the pepper plants never even bore fruit. if only, if only...

and so the next spring the desire in her grew again. she doodled garden plots and poured over seed catalogs. she bargained with the landlord for a plot of earth in the back. no one would trip on her plants there. and yes, if she had to she would build a fence to keep her landlord's fear of the free-roaming cats away. and if need be she would trim the hanging sumac so it would not block the light so much, and she would turn the earth, and test the soil, and do everything in her power to make a garden prosperous. but this second summer the earth would not yield. the wild cats helped themselves to community catnip and basil, the sandy soil was too often too dry and the shadows covered the garden for too much of the day.

the third spring approached, this time without the pesky landlord. she had become a tenant of the bank, and certain freedom from rules came with that. the perfectly placed raised bed was fair game. but with the forclosure came the doubt that she would be there to reap the benefits if she were to sow. in the end it was the composter, full of luscious compost ready to be harvested, that did her in, that tipped the scales and inspired her to once again put down roots. and so she did. she spread compost thickly and mixed it in with the pasty soil. she made a stone path. she transplanted herbs from her mother's garden. she sowed the rest of her seed collection, carrots and radishes in neat rows, tomatoes in the center, and greens scattered in a section of their own. her own plot of organized chaos.
the next day her friend came over with his dogs. and the dogs loved the garden for the dirt. they had a grand old romp in the dirt, kicking the carefully placed seeds asunder they dug and barked and frolicked.
still, she made her reparations, smoothed out the soil, replaced the rocks, watched the rain fall and hoped that something still might grow. and in a few weeks green promises began emerging from the soil. two weeks later they were big enough to tell weed from seed and the woman set about the delicate task of weeding, carefully discerning intentional sprouts from those of opportunity. with the competition eliminated, the plant life was really starting to take form. this just might work after all...
with the garden's plants still too small to speak up for themselves, the bank's management company entered stage left, wearing boots and armed with weed-whackers they decimated the helpless seedlings. trampled. weed-whacked. even the transplanted and thriving herbs. gone. what could she do? she put it aside and resigned herself to the idea that a garden for her here was not meant to be. still, the plants tugged at her heartstrings yet again when they sprang back form the abuse of their own accord. rebirth. regrowth.
and so she obliged. she cared for them, weeded them carefully and tended to their needs, foolishly. for just after the tomato plants bloomed and began to bear fruit. just as they grew hearty enough that one might have forgotten their stunted past... 2/3 of the plot was weed-whacked to the dirt again, and the rest was trampled.
and it was september.
the end.

the things we take with us

and those we leave behind. Nothing quite like geographical uprooting to lend some perspective on just how much stuff you have and how great the place you are leaving is. I've been spending my time honing in on what is most essential, finding good homes for the things I will no longer need and making the most.

This year has been a great one. I've made swift strides toward being the person I want to be by doing the things I want to do. I've been really enjoying who I am, what I'm doing and who with. I have tended and cultivated ideas into action, encounters into connections and emotions into contentment. I have thrived.

This summer has been deliciously bittersweet. When I see people and places I hold dear, appreciation and esteem mixes with melancholy and remorse. Excitement for unknown ahead mixes daily with the sadness of the well-known and well-loved I will leave behind.

my approach to cooking (and life?)

when it comes to cooking, I am fluid. I play with recipes. sometimes I want to challenge myself to make it vegan. other times just to use the ingredients I have on hand. often I make mistakes and roll with them. or let things get spicy, intentionally or accidentally. as far as I'm concerned, recipes are for inspiration and interpretation.

I've attempted to record recipes as I've made them, but I view them as a moment in time, you will make (it) your own way.

is there anything else non fortune-cookie-esque that I can say? I love to cook and I like to think I know enough to have confidence taking liberties. sometimes quite liberally.

Sangria d'Iris

delicious sangria is simpler than you think. the key is to let it chill for a while before serving, although it is versatile enough to be yummy made in the moment too. Red is classic (after all 'sangria' means 'bloody') but sangria does lend itself nicely to adaptation, so I've included my own white recipe too.
*one note* far be it from me to discourage flexibility in recipes but I must say, having sampled my share of sangria all over spain and having searched through many awful American recipes--I advise against hard liquor in sangria--it simply doesn't need it. If you want to play around with the recipe, try different combinations of fruit or types of lemonade (again Trader Joe's has just what you need)...

red sangria
1 bottle cheap red table wine (most often I use two buck chuck merlot)
equal or lesser amount of lemonade (or enough to fill the rest of the pitcher you are using)
4 Tablespoons sugar or a splash of maple syrup
2 teaspoons cinnamon
sliced fresh fruit (oranges and peaches are traditional)

white sangria
I bottle while wine (again two buck chuck, sauvignon blanc)
equal amount of lemonade
4 tablespoons sugar or a splash of maple syrup
2 teaspoons ginger
sliced fresh fruit

the plan: just mix together and let steep. when the fruit get's all saturated you know it's good.
you won't regret it.

most delicious cinnamon buns

how these buns got their name: I had been hunting for a good cinnamon bun recipe to veganize, and as fate would have it Alea happened to make these buns while I was over. I tasted them decadent and delicious-- warm out of the oven. It was love at first bite. of course asked for the recipe and saved it as a word document with this title.
most of the time I make them without the frosting--they are sweet enough without it, but to really set it over the top, the frosting is delicious. The dough is a sweet yeast dough, so you will need a good chunk of time, but they are worth it. people never believe they are vegan.

Most Delicious Cinnamon Buns from alea

Rolls:
1 T (or one package) active dry yeast
1/2 cup sugar
1 cup soymilk, warmed
2 eggs worth of egg replacer
1/3 cup margarine, melted
4 and 1/2 cups flour
dab of salt

Filling:
1 cup brown sugar, packed
3 tablespoons ground cinnamon
a touch of nutmeg, clove and/or ginger
1/2 cup margarine, softened
1/2 cup chopped pecans (optional but highly recommended)

Frosting:
About 3/8 (3 oz) of a container of Tofutti Better Than Cream Cheese
1/4 cup margarine, softened
1 & 1/2 cup confectioner's sugar
1/2 teaspoon vanilla extract
touch of salt

The plan:
1. mix yeast, sugar, and heated soymilk in a bowl and let stand until foamy

2. add egg replacer, melted margarine, flour, and salt. Mix well and knead for 5-10 minutes. You can do this right in the bowl if you like--adding as little flour as you can in the kneeding process. The dough should be firm and smooth. tuck the sides under to form a ball and cover and let it rise until it is double in size (about an hour)

3. meanwhile, in a small bowl, combine brown sugar, margarine and cinnamon. when I'm feeling it--I'll add a little nutmeg, ginger or clove as well (and once when I was feeling cruel on april fool's, cayenne pepper). also chop pecans if you're going to add them.

4. turn the dough out onto a floured work surface and roll dough into a rectangle. the thickness and width of the rectangle will decide how thick each ring is and how big the buns are on the whole. I've made them every size from cute, dainty mini buns to supersized. play with it and see what you like. spread dough with the sugar-margarine-cinnamon mix. Roll up dough into a log and cut it into 1-2" segments.

5. Place rolls in a lightly greased baking pan, brownie/cake pan or a cookie pan if it has a lip. place them gently toughing, but not jammed together--they need a little room to grow. cover and let rise again about 30 minutes. at some point get your oven to 400 degrees F.

6. bake rolls in preheated oven until golden brown, about 15 minutes. while rolls are baking and everyone in your house is drooling over the smell, beat together Tofutti, margarine, powdered sugar, vanilla, and salt to make the frosting. spread frosting on warm rolls before serving.

cooking philosophy

egg replacer

one of the obstacles of vegan cooking is recreating that gooey cohesive quality of eggs. there are a few options, as the lightest of googling will demonstrate, but my hands-down favorite is the ground flax seed option. it's simple, flexible and good for you.
love it.

for each egg a recipe calls for whisk
1 Tablespoon ground flax seed with
3 Tablespoons hot water.
then let it cool a little (usually I pop it in the freezer for a few minutes). if it's winter and I'm having tea anyways I boil water and then measure it, if not I usually throw them together and microwave it whether or not it ever boils.

anyways, the magic is that the fiber in the flax comes out with the hot water and when you cool it, you have this beautiful, fiberful, healthy egg-like substance. you've got to see it to believe it.

cooking philosophy

the most delicious form of zucchini

Chocolate Zucchini Cake

the dry ingredients:
2 cups flour
1/2 cup coco powder
1 teaspoon baking soda
2 teaspoons baking powder
a bit of salt if you so desire it

the wet ingredients:
1/2 cup margarine
1/2 cup sugar
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
3 eggs worth of egg replacer

the mix ins:
2 cups zucchini (1 or 2 medium zucchinis) grated
1 cup chocolate chips
1 cup frozen raspberries (optional but highly recommended, and make sure to add these last, if the raspberries get melty they lose their structural integrity)

The plan:
1. mix or sift(if you're feeling ambitious), all the dry ingredients in one bowl.

2. then combine all the the wet ones in another bowl.

3. and then add the mix ins to the dry ingredients--the dry ingredients will kind of coat the zucchini and raspberries nicely.

4. then add the wet to the dry or the dry to the wet (whichever bowl is larger) and mix it until it is "just mixed". basically don't over mix it because then it won't rise as much, but if you do that's ok too because it will still be delicious.
*special note about this cake...if you are used to making cakes, the batter of this one will seem very thick. I've played with this, adding more wet ingredients etc, the conclusion is that the zucchini makes this cake very moist...so the batter needs to be a bit thicker, just go with it*

5. then pour it into some greased and floured pans. you can use two 9" round pans to make two layers or I've done it many times in just one pan to make one thick layer and then if there is any extra I just throw it in some cupcake tins-yum!

350 degrees
and I just realized I've never timed the baking of this cake....it takes a while because it's so moist so I'll go with 45min-1hour or until a toothpick stuck in the center comes out clean.

Oh and frosting! I've used two different forms of frosting both with great success. When I had some left over vegan whipped creme that they gave out for free at the boston vegetarian food fest I just whipped some of that up with a little vanilla extract and topped it with fruit(pictured above)
I've also made a vegan version of the Joy of Gardening's rich creme cheese frosting.

(original idea from Garden way's Joy of Gardening Cookbook...recipes grouped by garden-fresh ingredient-perfect when you have a plethora of one thing and you don't know what to do with it...I've veganized and otherwise adapted it to make it my own) see also my cooking philosophy

vegan creme cheese frosting

blend together:
3/4 cup margarine
1 8oz tub of toffuti creme cheese
4 cups confectioner's sugar
1 teaspoon vanilla extract

this frosting has a low melting point so make sure your cake is good and cooled before frosting with it--or enjoy goooey oozing frosting over a warm cake!

for raspberry frosting: put in half the butter and add a handful of frozen raspberries!!

cooking philosophy